Searching for Peace

"Bitterness imprisons life; love releases it. Bitterness paralyzes life; love empowers it. Bitterness sours life; love sweetens it. Bitterness sickens life; love heals it. Bitterness blinds life; love anoints its eyes." - Harry Emerson Fosdick

It is such a struggle for me to find peace regarding my ex-husband. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want him to have any power over my emotions at all. He's hurt me enough, long enough, and I've done everything I can to put myself out of his reach, so to speak. Or so I think. I really do want to be accepting of my life as it is, and be happy.

There's a catch in me somewhere, and I can't find it. What is it? Where is it?

The divorce is six months in the books. He moved into his new/old girlfriend's house four months ago. (They dated for three years before we met.) That doesn't bother me; I had enough and definitely don't want him. If only she knew what I know! I should be grateful that he moved in with her, then used his visitation with the children, because in doing so, he violated the "morality clause" that he insisted on having in the divorce decree. This states that no member of the opposite sex is to stay overnight (11 pm to 7 am) while the children are in the same house. It's ironic that he broke the rule he insisted on having in place, only two months after the divorce was final. He wanted that clause in there to limit me, of course; he didn't think about it in terms of himself. So, I should be grateful. I have not broken the clause and see no immediate need to, but if I do, there's not much he can have an issue with because he broke it first.

It bothers me a little when the children talk about her, that I admit. I get over it quickly though, by reminding myself that I am their one and only mother.

It does bother me when he doesn't pay his child support. The last payment I received was on September 9th, and he was already behind before the payments stopped. Being unemployed myself, the child support has made a big difference for me financially. I have kept myself from getting too upset about the unpaid child support by trusting God, knowing that the Office of the Attorney General was on top of the situation, and by remembering that I need to be self-supporting, in other words, employed - not dependent on the child support money. So I haven't gotten too upset about this, overall. Child support is not the catch, this is not really "it." A few days ago I got a letter from the OAG stating that Chris owed me over $2700 in back child support. Today I discovered a payment in my bank account from the OAG - they must be seizing his unemployment money. That was a nice surprise! I wonder if Alicia is regretting her decision to have him move in with her yet. I know how un-fun it is to completely support him; I did it for three years.

The thing that bothers me the most is when he doesn't use his visitation with the children. The "catch" is in here somewhere; I'm getting warmer. In the year since the legal separation began, his use of visitation privileges has been very little and entirely inconsistent. 2008 was his year to have the children for the week including Christmas. He used a day and a half, picking them up on Christmas Eve and returning them Christmas Day at noon (and that was out of my generosity; when he refused to pick them up the Friday before and keep them the entire week, I was no longer obligated to give him any time at all, but I did). That 36 hours was the only time in December he saw them; he skipped all other visitation opportunities. He skipped at least the last two months leading up to "D-Day" (April 7th). He then used weekend visitation for the next two months, through Father's Day weekend in mid-June. He then missed the next two months completely - no weekends, no extended summer visitation, nothing. He used visitation again in August, but it's been typically hit-and-miss.

He missed last weekend. Even though I had no special plans, I was frustrated. I always enjoy my kid-free time - time to be "just me." The angry talk in my head goes something like this: He gets to live with his girlfriend. He gets 12 out of 14 days to do whatever the hell he wants. I'm spending all the time and doing all the work to raise these children. Why can't I have just those two days every two weeks? To do what I want? To maybe enjoy a new relationship, like he has every day? To clean the house and have it stay that way for a few minutes? To finish painting the kitchen, repaint the living room wall?

I don't have the answer for that, the "angry talk." It still upsets me. The only thing I can come up with is, if he was (1) reasonable, (2) considerate of my and the girls' feelings and welfare, and (3) an interested and devoted father, I probably would still be married to him. I'm not that picky; I don't ask for much, and I asked for less then, than I do now. Clearly, he is still the same man I divorced. I hate the idea that my daughters have this kind of man for their father, but it's my fault that they do. I am still embarrassed that I chose this man in the first place. I'm angry at me, as much as I am at him. Darn it!

And I think I know why he missed last weekend. It's that child support money from the OAG. Chris rarely takes the girls unless he has some fun thing for them to do. The last time he took them, they came home talking about the "Greek Festival," and when he took them this summer (other than the two months he didn't) they usually went to the beach. All he knows how to be is "fun Dad." His former employer began withholding for child support at the end of November; he didn't use visitation almost all of December. Child support increased (two months late) in June; he missed two months of visitation after Father's Day. This is his deal, the way he rolls. It's either because he thinks he has to have money to spend on them, or it's to punish me for his having to pay child support. Either way, I don't get any time to myself, and the children get no consistent interaction with their father. We all lose.

Well. I don't know if this exploration has helped me find the peace I seek. I'll know later. For now, I should prepare myself mentally for the likelihood that he won't take them Halloween weekend either. Time to practice lowering my expectations, and accepting the conditions of my single-mom life as best I can, whether I like it or not.